What's happening in the Blue Room?

March 16, 2015

I haven't written recently.  Life outside the blue room has not be easy of late and life within the blue room has not felt good.

Of the things on the outside some of them are "just life - these things happen to everyone - they may not be fun but you deal with them and they pass."

Some of them are "chosen" things I do to myself because I don't really cope all that well with extreme stress.  These are things that are "avoidable" like: almost entirely stopping eating fresh vegetable and salads.  Focusing on carbs.  Not getting enough protein.  Putting ALL exercise under "sigh... I'll do it tomorrow."

Some of the things are parasympathetic like:  not breathing enough... literally... until my chest is totally tight.  Pain under my jaw from clenching my teeth at night.  Not sleeping well..  this night, the next night, the next night, all last week, last night, probably to-night.

Some are "results" of the chosen behaviors:  my blood pressure is high.  Naturally, my blood sugar is HIGH!

The worst is that recently the person in the Blue Room has been REALLY ANGRY. For example, when I saw the video of the OU SAE frat boys singing:  "There will never be a nigger SAE! There will never be a nigger SAE.  You can hang 'em from a tree, but they'll never sign with me. There will never be a nigger SAE!"  In their tuxedos.  On a bus with their sorority girl friends. Punching the air and singing with great delight... it was at first as if I had been kicked in the stomach.  And then I thought about it being the 50 year anniversary of the Selma marches and it was like these little over-priviledged, white male, racist frat boys were spitting and dancing on Martin Luther King's grave.  It made me SO angry, disgusted, frustrated... that I spent about three days thinking in my head what I would like to say to those boys.  And it was not pretty.  And it was not conducive to untying my stomach from being in knots.

This is obsessive compulsive thinking.  On one level I realize it keeps me occupied while the parts of my own life that feel threatening and evil are temporarily ignored.  On another level it is my way of coping with my own anger and fear about my own stress, and a good part of what I am feeling physically is the culmination of all these things.  My body can't handle this stress and my bad ways of coping with it.

I was thinking today about how hard it is to make even a positive change.  I am SOOOO comfortable in my familiar world even when it includes poverty, poor health choices, consequences.  I drag that part of myself that wants 'change without having to change' forward every day and sometimes... it is more than I can handle graciously.

On the outside, I am actually making some big changes in my business life which are good.  But inside the Blue Room... I am punishing myself for them.